Living With Another Person in the 21st Century (update 2014)
After living with another person (Mr. Wonderful) for two more years after writing this essay, I have discovered some new guidelines for living in the perfect two-person world.
The fact that I have now accepted being “of a certain age” has something to do with my perspective.
Outdoor Maintenance: Man hires company to manage, and woman revels in no grass or leaves on white carpet.
Sex: Can’t remember.
Conflicts: Man responsible for all shit. He owns. Woman smiles and shops.
Groceries: No need. Local restaurants know us by our nicknames.
Investments: In what? for what? so what?
Social Plans: Can’t remember.
Technology: Man deals with all issues, especially calls to India.
Finances: Can’t look. Makes us both cry.
Garbage: Ask George Carlin.
Sports: He watches on his own TV. I love it when one guy throws the football, and the other guy catches it.
Newspaper: There are none.
Alcohol: Thank the Lord.
Movies: $15 for a movie is dumb. We can stay home and watch for free and spend $15 on sex toys.
Romance: What’s that?
Cooking: You must be kidding. Who does this?
Chores: Ask Molly Maid.